


Whoever Said That Two Heads Are Better Than One Was Clearly Not Speaking From Experience

by HighlyOpinionatedNerd



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Hope you like it!, M/M, and these two idiots being idiotically ignorant and awkward, but it has its moments, mild warnings for violence and language, this one's meant to be more lighthearted than serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 04:28:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15016676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighlyOpinionatedNerd/pseuds/HighlyOpinionatedNerd
Summary: Fusions are serious business. They only happen between people who have a deep emotional connection and a good reason. They're not an accidental kind of thing.But if that's so, why do Gintoki and Hijikata keep fusing by accident?





	Whoever Said That Two Heads Are Better Than One Was Clearly Not Speaking From Experience

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a fusion au! For anyone who is unfamiliar with the concept of character fusions, a quick explanation: The way I look at it, fusion is a concept pioneered by the Dragon Ball series, and perfected in the show Steven Universe. Typically it's only possible in very particular situations. In this particular context, however, we're just going to assume that it's a perfectly normal thing that just happens sometimes. For a fusion to happen, the two (or potentially more) participants usually need to have an established emotional connection. Once they fuse, they become a completely different character, a person who combines and embodies characteristics of both people. You can find more detailed info here: http://steven-universe.wikia.com/wiki/Fusion_Gems
> 
> You don't have to have any previous knowledge of fusions to read this fic! You just have to have an open mind and accept fusions as a normal part of life, as far as this au is concerned. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have, and thank you for reading!

“Hijikata-san, did you hear the news? Apparently the Varenians are threatening to invade Earth now.”

“Yeah, I did hear that, actually. It never stops, does it?”

“Nope. But you know what they say; when it rains, it pours.”

Hijikata shook his head and took a long drag on his cigarette. It felt a little weird to be talking about something so serious in such a careless way. But the Shinsengumi were _always_ dealing with stuff like this from various Amanto. The Chendi Empire sent them invasion threats at least once a month. It was amazing what a person could get used to.

He and Okita were heading back to headquarters after a particularly boring street patrol. Things always slowed down towards the middle of summer. Probably because it was too hot to do much of anything besides complain about the heat.

“Speaking of rain,” Okita said, shading his eyes and squinting upwards, “the forecast said we might get some later this week.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice. If anything it might take the edge off the heat.”

“Little early in the season for rain, though, isn’t it?”

“Maybe. Who cares, though, Sougo, it’s hot as he- argh!”

Without warning, someone came hurtling around the corner just ahead of them and slammed hard into Hijikata, catching him completely off guard and knocking him to the ground.

“Ouch,” he said. “What the heck, man?”

“Uh,” Okita’s voice said from somewhere above him. “Uhhhhhh...Hijikata-san?”

“Hey, do you mind? I’m kind of in a rush.” He’d said that too. Why had he said that?

Wait.

He was late for an appointment, with a potential customer. He’d been running, and…

_Wait._

He held a hand up in front of his face. There was a swirling pattern of gold embroidery on the edge of his Shinsengumi jacket sleeve that hadn’t been there before.

“Yorozuya-danna?” Okita asked hesitantly. “Is...is that you?”

He reached up and tugged at a lock of hair, pulling it into his field of vision. Strands of silver, _and_ black.

Which had to mean...he’d fused?

That thought set off a short burst of panic, followed by an extreme sense of disorientation as the fusion fell apart, dropping both of them on the ground once again.

“Oof.”

“Ow, fuck.”

Hijikata sat up and rubbed his head, looking around. Sure enough, lying in the street across from him was Sakata Gintoki, with his swirly-patterned yukata and his messy silver hair.

“Did I see that right?” Okita asked, looking from one to the other. “Did you guys just fuse?”

Gintoki propped himself up on his elbows, frowning. “I think we did, for like, a second. How the hell did that happen?”

“Don’t look at me, I was going to ask you.”

“Well, I don’t know! I was just- oh shit, I’m late.” Gintoki scrambled to his feet, hastily dusting himself off. “I gotta go but...look, can we just call this an accident and never speak of it ever again?”

“Wait, what do you mean by-”

“Agreed,” Hijikata said, cutting Okita off mid sentence. “You won’t tell anyone?”

“I won’t if you won’t.”

“Not me. Sougo won’t say anything either.”

“Hold on, don-”

“Great, thanks, bye!”

Gintoki turned and started jogging away, this time being careful to steer clear of any other pedestrians in his path.

Okita crossed his arms and glared at Hijikata. “Is that really what that was? An accident?”

“Yeah.” Hijikata felt shaken, and a little out of breath, somehow. “I mean, it must have been. It definitely wasn’t on purpose.”

“Are you sure? I mean...the two of you have never fused before, have you?”

“No! Of course we haven’t! I would never- with that- no, no way.”

“Is that so.” Okita didn’t look entirely convinced.

“Look, forget it,” Hijikata muttered, straightening his uniform. “Let’s just get back to headquarters. You’d better not say anything about this to anyone. I mean it, Sougo.”

“Alright, alright, I got it! I just don’t think this is the kind of thing you should be ignoring, Hijikata-san.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing.” In spite of himself, Hijikata glanced back the way Gintoki had left. “Just a freak accident. Nothing serious. Come on, let’s go.”

 

“C’mon, c’mon, let’s go!”

“I’m going as fast as I can over here!”

Gintoki shuffled his way through the crowd and back to the food truck’s window. He’d heard this job would be a busy one, but he had never expected anything like this. What was in this food anyway?

“Number fifteen, your order’s ready,” he called out, grabbing the two paper plates at the window, piled high with corndogs and fries. “Fifteen! Where’s number fifteen!”

“Here!” A pair of teens emerged from the crowd to claim their food. “Thanks!”

“Sure, sure. Come again, and all that.”

“Order up!” Shouted the old man inside the food truck, pushing more paper plates at him.

“Ok, ok, I got it.” Gintoki had no idea how the man worked so fast. He was struggling just to keep up.

It was the middle of the lunch rush, a few days after Gintoki’s accidental fusion with Hijikata. Which he was doing his best not to think about.

“Sixteen! Come get your food, number sixteen!”

Except it was hard not to think about it, because it was the kind of thing that just demanded to be thought about. There were only three people he had ever fused with, ever. And that had been a long, long time ago under far different circumstances. So why now? And why Hijikata?

“Order up, Gin-san!”

Maybe they shouldn’t have ignored it like that. Maybe it was important. Or maybe there was something wrong with one of them. Or both of them. Which would definitely qualify as important.

“Hey mister, do you have any ketchup?”

But no, that probably wasn’t the case. Right? Accidental fusion was rare, not unheard of. He had been going pretty fast. It had probably just been self-preservation instincts. Yeah, that was almost definitely it. Best to just put it out of his mind after all.

“Yorozuya!”

...Or, as fate would have it, not.

“What do you want, Hijikata? I’m kinda busy here.”

“I can see that,” Hijikata said, standing at the edge of the crowd with his hands on his hips. It wasn’t actually much of a surprise to see him there- from a distance it was hard to tell if this was a lunch line or an angry mob.

“What in blazes is the Shinsengumi vice captain doing here?” the food truck owner hissed at Gintoki, looking nervous.

“I’m sure it’s nothing. Give me a minute, ok? I’ll get rid of him.”

He pushed his way through the crowd to get to Hijikata. “Can we make this quick? We’re busy.”

“You’re too busy. This is a borderline traffic hazard. Why aren’t there ropes set up to get people to form an actual line?”

“It’s a new business. He hasn’t got a system yet, is all. But after today you can best believe we’re gonna figure something out.”

“New business, huh? Has he got a vendor’s license for this thing?”

“Of course he does. Hang on a sec, I’ll go get- woah!”

Someone on the edge of the crowd took a sudden step back, tripping Gintoki up. He toppled backwards, straight into Hijikata, and the two of them lost their balance and fell over.

“Ugh...watch where you’re going! My bad. I didn’t- wait.”

He held out his hands. Sure enough, black and gold swirls.

“Shit, again? Really? Again with this...ah!”

The fusion broke apart, dropping them both unceremoniously back to the pavement. Gintoki’s head was swimming; unfusing had always left him a little dizzy, even when it happened on good terms.

“Fuck,” Hijikata said quietly, staggering back up. “Again...Yorozuya, we can’t keep doing this.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Gintoki growled. “I’m not doing it on purpose!”

Hijikata shook his head. “Alright, I’ll let you off with a warning today. Just...nothing. You’ve been warned, ok?”

“Ok.”

“Ok then. Let’s just try to make sure it doesn’t happen again any time soon.”

“Count on it.”

 

The two of them ran into each other in the grocery store the very next day. Or rather, a woman talking on the phone who wasn’t paying attention to where she was going accidentally hit Hijikata with her shopping cart, which caused him to fall on top of Gintoki.

When they opened their eyes, they were a fusion. _Again._

“Why am I always on the ground?” he asked aloud, not really expecting an answer.

This time was a little different. They had each individually realized what had happened, but he was still here. Maybe, if he stayed like this, he could figure out why this kept happening?

He laid on the floor for a few more moments, but no miraculous epiphany came to him. But he didn’t fall apart, either.

A little boy entered his field of vision- no older than 5, wearing a red hoodie with a little green dinosaur on it.

“Who are you?” he asked, as if that was the most logical question to ask in this situation. Which, in a way, it kind of was.

“I haven’t decided yet,” the fusion answered.

“What do you mean, you haven’t decided yet?”

“I just haven’t. This is the longest I’ve ever even been me, and it’s been like thirty seconds, tops.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Hitoshi, there you are!” The boy’s mother appeared, looking relieved, and grabbed her son’s hand. “You can’t go wandering off like that, Hitoshi. What are you….oh! Are you alright, um….sir?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” He sat up, trying to give her a reassuring smile. “Your kid was just checking on me, that’s all.”

“Ok, well...have a nice day.”

“You too. Bye, kid.”

He picked himself up and dusted himself off as the lady dragged her little boy away. The contents of the respective shopping baskets he’d been carrying were all over the floor. Of course they were. He bent over and started picking things up, paying no attention to what he put where.

“Still haven’t fallen apart. Weird. But weirder how it just keeps happening. Why does it keep happening…?”

He trailed off, straightening up with his arms full of packages of cigarettes and cartons of ice cream and all the other stuff. He still couldn’t come up with a reason why.

When he turned around, he caught a glimpse through the store’s front window of a familiar head of long dark hair.

“Katsura!” he shouted, and promptly dissolved in a cascade of groceries.

Once Hijikata’s brain had got used to being in control of all his limbs again, he shook his head and tried to get up. But Gintoki was laying across him like dead weight and he was pretty effectively pinned.

“Hey, get off me!”

“Dude, give me a second here, ok? I feel like I might throw up…”

“Katsura’s out there! He’s right fucking there! Get off me, I have to go after him!”

“He’s just shopping,” Gintoki muttered, finally sliding off Hijikata. “Do you really have to go out there and make a scene about it?”

“He’s dangerous! He could be planning something!”

“He’s _shopping_.” Gintoki sighed, rubbing the back of his head. “Look, don’t you think we have more important things to talk about right now?”

Hijikata paused, scowling. “I thought we agreed not to talk about it.”

“Yeah, but that was before it happened three times in a row. Dude, we were stable there for a minute. Don’t you think that’s something we should be talking about?”

“Well, yes, but…”

“Forget about Zura. Come on, we shouldn’t put this off any longer than we already have.”

Hijikata crossed his arms. “Fine. Fine. Let’s talk.”

 

They went to a bar a couple of blocks away. They sat down at the counter, bags of hastily-purchased groceries at their feet, and ordered drinks from the young bartender. They sat there for a while in silence, trying to think of something to say.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into letting Katsura get away,” Hijikata muttered unhappily. “I might never have a chance like that again.”

“Jeez, give it a break, will you?”

“He’s one of the most wanted men in this district. Maybe you can run around eating ice cream and working food trucks whenever it strikes your fancy, but I have obligations, you know.”

“Most wanted? Zura? He’s an idiot. He’s harmless.”

“He’s a _terrorist_. He’s a threat. He’s a danger to society, and…” Hijikata sighed, closing his eyes and running a hand through his hair. “He’s your brother, isn’t he.” It was more statement than question.

Gintoki glanced at him, a guarded look in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I saw it, when we fused. He’s like your brother. Sakamoto and Takasugi both left Earth, and he’s all you have left from your, your other life, or whatever you want to call it. I’m right, aren’t I?”

“...I guess you could put it like that.” Gintoki shrugged uncomfortably. “If you saw all that then you must know that I made a promise. To protect him, protect all of them. And I haven’t been doing so hot with that lately.”

“I don’t think they need your protection.”

“Maybe not. But I made a promise.”

Hijikata sighed and rested his elbows on the bartop, chin in his hands. He had experienced Gintoki’s conflicted but incredibly strong feelings about all this only for a second. But it wasn’t the kind of thing that left you easily. He suddenly wasn’t sure what to do.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your mess, man. Nothing for you to apologize for.”

“So...what did you see about me?”

“Not much.” Gintoki leaned forward too, levelling his gaze with Hijikata’s. “You had a brother too.”

“I did. That was a long time ago.”

“Yeah. And since then it’s just been the Shinsengumi. Which is why you take your work so seriously. Kind of a lonely way to live, don’t you think?”

“Not at all.”

The bartender wandered back over to them, two glasses of whatever Gintoki had ordered in hand. “Here you go, fellas,” he said. “You need anything else, just holler.”

“Sure.”

They each took a sip of their drinks. It was fruity and unfamiliar, and Hijikata wasn’t sure whether he liked it or not.

“What are we _doing_ here,” he said, turning back to look at Gintoki. “What’s going on with us?”

“I wish I knew.” Gintoki shook his head, frowning. “I’ve only ever been able to fuse in emergencies before. And that was back in the Joui War.”

“I’ve fused with Kondo-san and Sougo a few times. Once with Yamazaki, but that was a disaster. And yeah, it’s always been out of necessity.”

“Hijikata. If you secretly have feelings for me, you know it’s ok to tell me.”

“Shut up! I don’t. You read my thoughts while we were fused, right?”

“Just checking.”

“Do you?”

“Nope.”

“Alright, just checking.” Hijikata took another sip of his fruity drink, frustrated. “I don’t think we’re getting much of anywhere.”

“Me neither.”

“Well, I guess I’ll go home and do some research, see if I can find anything online.”

“I should get home, too. But I’ll ask around, see if anyone knows anything.”

“And by ‘anyone’, you mean who exactly?”

“Nobody you need to know about, Mr. Obligations. Check back in in a few days?”

“Sounds good.”

 

A week went by, then two. But neither of them managed to learn anything new. It seemed that if they wanted answers, they’d have to take more drastic measures.

So they waited until Shinpachi and Kagura were both out of the house, and they attempted their very first on-purpose fusion. And it worked- they didn’t even fall over this time.

As it turned out, being a fusion in a normal, non-life-threatening situation was actually pretty...interesting? Exciting? Surprisingly chill? It was a lot of things, almost none of them what he had expected.

One of the first things he did was finally decide on a name for himself: GinToshi. The first half of both his first names. It took a long time to reach that decision, but he was pretty happy with it.

After that he spent a long time studying himself, discovering all the little ways his two other selves melded together, all the things that made him _him_.

He went into the bathroom and stripped off his weird Shinsengumi jacket/yukata hybrid and his white undershirt and looked himself over in the mirror. He had two different colored eyes. Heterochromia wasn’t uncommon in fusions, but it felt a little strange seeing one maroon eye and one blue eye blinking back at him. His hair was less of a patchwork of black and silver now that he was more stable, and more of a uniform, steely gray.

He also, apparently, had both of their collections of scars. Gintoki’s bullet holes and Hijikata’s burns and both of their accumulated stitched-up stabs. All of it. There was hardly a smooth patch of skin on him.

GinToshi thought he looked bad _ass_.

But, unfortunately, he still didn’t seem any closer to finding out why he was there in the first place.

After a while, he separated back into Gintoki and Hijikata, so they could talk about it face to face. Unfusing on purpose was harder than fusing on purpose, but he still managed it in good time.

“I’m not sure if that was productive or not,” Gintoki said, sitting down on the edge of his desk. 

“Me neither. We...learned some things, at least. Right?”

“We learned a bunch of things, none of which are any help at all.”

Hijikata sighed, shrugging. “Well, I don’t know what to do about it. I guess, if you want, we can try again sometime. Maybe we’ll...hang on.”

Gintoki looked up to see Hijikata striding towards the window, pushing back the blinds and staring outside. He looked concerned.

“What’s wrong?” If Gintoki knew anything by now, it was that if Hijikata was concerned he should probably also be concerned. He got up and followed him to the window. “What’s going on?”

“Look,” Hijikata said, pointing.

Gintoki squinted outside. “A spaceship?”

“Yeah, but that’s not the direction of the Terminal. That’s the big hill on the outskirts of town...hang on.” He looked at Gintoki, eyes wide. “The Varenians. They were threatening invasion if we didn’t agree to their demands.”

“What! And you didn’t do anything about it?”

“We didn’t think they were serious!”

Gintoki looked back out the window. It looked like a really, really big ship, and not the kind you use for pleasure cruises. “Well, I think they were pretty serious. What do we do?”

“Kondo-san will be organizing a response, but he won’t be able to get over there anytime soon. I should go.”

“I’m coming.”

“No, you should stay here. It’s better if we handle this diplomatically.”

“Do they look like they’re here to talk? I’m coming. Two swords are better than one.”

“Two swords…” Hijikata paused on his way out the door. “That’s not a bad idea. What do you say we give GinToshi another test run?”

Gintoki grinned. “Now _that_ sounds like a plan. Let’s go!”

 

“Move it, move it, come on, let’s go!” Okita shouted, as he and Kondo led a squad of men up the hill where the ship had set down. It had taken them way, way too long to get here, and he was fully expecting to meet an army on the other side. Not the most favorable situation to be in.

And sure enough, when they crested the hill, the army was there. But they didn’t look ready to attack.

They had all already been defeated.

“What...happened here?” Kondo asked.

“Maybe they had an internal disagreement?” Okita suggested hopefully.

“That’s not what it looks like. Maybe...hey, look over there!”

Okita’s jaw dropped when he saw what Kondo was pointing at; Hijikata and Gintoki’s fusion, striding towards them, a bloody sword in each hand.

“I’m not cleaning that up,” he said, gesturing over his shoulder at the fallen Varenians. 

Kondo spluttered for words and Okita finally remembered to close his mouth.

“I thought you said you two had never fused before, Hijikata-san!”

“My name’s GinToshi. And that was the first time, I told you the truth. You’re welcome, by the way, for neutralizing the amanto threat. Or, at least getting a head start.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s more ships in orbit. I heard a transmission while I was over there taking out the one on the ground.”

“You did _wh-_ ”

“Gin-chan!”

Kagura and Shinpachi came running up to them, both out of breath. They stopped short when they saw the fusion, looking confused and a little scared. Shinpachi even warily put a hand on the hilt of his sword.

“Gin-san?”

“Kondo, what are they doing here?” GinToshi demanded. “It’s not safe!”

“They were looking for you!”

“That’s not a good enough answer! Sougo, take them back to town.”

“But…”

“No buts. I’m still your superior. Don’t worry guys,” he said to the kids. “I’ll take care of this, and Gintoki will be back before you know it.”

“Cool,” Kagura whispered.

“I’ll take care of them,” Okita said. “What are you gonna do?”

GinToshi smiled wickedly. “Oh, I’m gonna _negotiate_.”

 

“...And that’s what happened.”

“Fascinating story, GinToshi-san. But actually, I was asking about the Varenians.”

“Ohhhh. Don’t worry, they left. Reached an agreement with the government, or whatever.”

“You know you can unfuse now.”

“I will. In a bit.”

They were back in the apartment, Kondo and Okita as well as the Yorozuya. GinToshi was taking up most of one of the couches by himself, his long legs propped up on the coffee table. Kagura was sitting at the end of that couch, her legs propped up on his legs. The Shinsengumi sat across from them on the other couch, and Shinpachi wandered around serving everyone tea.

“I’ve never seen a fusion in real life before,” Kagura said. “I think it’s really cool. Did you ever figure out why it started happening?”

“Nope. But, I don’t really care. It’s nice, actually. Both of my selves are pretty tired a lot of the time, so this is a chance for us to relax and just be me. Does that make sense?”

“Not...really.”

“Well, doesn’t matter. I like being me. That’s enough.”

“Maybe that is the reason why,” Shinpachi suggested. “Maybe both of you just needed an opportunity to be someone else for a while. Maybe.”

“That’s what you call a crash in the street? An opportunity?”

“Well, why not?”

“Hey, hey, GinToshi-chan, are all fusions as tall as you are?”

“Some are. Some are taller. It’s kinda inconvenient, actually, I keep bumping into door frames and stuff.”

Kagura grinned. “Who knew the two of you would make such a handsome combo, huh?”

“I’m goddamn gorgeous, kid, thanks for noticing.”

Kondo shook his head. “I just can’t get used to this. So, what, are you guys gonna keep doing this?”

“Periodically. We’ll work it out.” GinToshi leaned back, smiling. “Starting with next week when the Chendi invade.”

“That’s not something to joke about.”

“Who’s joking? I dare them to. I’m still figuring out what I’m capable of.”

“GinToshi, defender of planet Earth, huh?” Shinpachi said.

“You bet your ass I am.” He grinned. “I like the sound of that.”

**Author's Note:**

> I love Gin and Toshi with all my heart, but we all agree that they're both oblivious idiots, yes? Too self-absorbed and too far in denial to admit, or even realize, that they might have feelings for each other. But they'll realize it eventually. And being GinToshi would help them figure it out, I think.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
